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living in memories but not paying attention to reality.


so not ready for school. Can it be the beginning of winter break again? please.
I wish I didn't have to walk on egg shells in my own home.

we all tried really had not to bug my mom while she was on her vacation
and she comes home really tired because she spent the last 3 days in Reno, I understand that.
but I'm sorry we all have been getting along, still kinda bicker but for the most part we've been okay.

I just had how it's soo evident that she's depressed and unhappy in her life
I'm sorry I get frustrated and take it out on everyone

I don't dislike my mom like she thinks I do, I just get frustrated wither her.

I think I was really hopping her mini vacation would help improve her mood, and maybe it will once she's rested

but I'm not sure
she seems just the same tonight, quick to get mad, quick to make petty comments, quick to not hear the situation out.

my "good mood" can only last so long
I'm still riding off of my Humboldt trip, schools about to start, stress is about to start. My mood is going to change.

I don't know how much longer I can front a smile.

Jan. 12th, 2011

I just want time to fly by.
I don't want to wait.
I found myself grabbing my phone to text him, to tell him how cool our friends are only to remember that he wouldn't get it because he's not allowed a phone.
Cool.
I'm impatient

What am I even waiting for?
What do I expect to happen?

I shouldn't expect anything I shouldn't hold my breath. I'll save myself in the end.

I just need forget all the feelings I felt/feel.

I want to feel numb , I don't want to think.
I just want the days to pass by.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

I'm glad i'm leaving today for a week, I need a distraction now more than ever and going to my aunts will give me that distraction.
-sigh-

it's going to be a long time
who knows whats going on in his mind
i know whats going on in my mind, that's for sure.

I wish I wasn't so scared or I wish I didn't get anxiety, the anxiety got in the way once again.

I do hope i wasn't acting like I wasn't interested
because I am
it's just a defense mechanism I put up, to protect myself.

Oh i wish he just knew me, knew how I operate, knew that I am interested in him.

my biggest fear is to latch on to these "feelings"
I don't want to end up feeling like I've wasted the energy in 3 months time.

I guess we'll see..

I think I'm going to focus on myself and school and when he returns see where things go.
i shouldn't expect anything, it just makes for disappointment in the end.

-sigh-
well 2010, you have certainly made yourself known.
thanks for that :(

I hope 2011 is a better, it just has to be I cant have a repeat of 2010.






My goals for 2011 are:

Take care of myself Physically and emotionally

Do better in school

I'm sure I'll develop other goals as the months pass.

goodbye 2010
Who am I kidding?
just myself

I don't get it.
I don't trust myself
So insecure
I never know what to think
So much anxiety
The anxiety is the worst part
I want a clear sign but I get nervous in all situations. Something as simple as talking makes me jittery
I don't like it.
It's so frustrating.


I feel like I'm setting myself up or i don't know.. I don't know what I'm saying.
3 months is a long time.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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deleted that last post

i don't know what I'm talking about

i don't know anything